Life, Rants, Tags, Uncategorized

Lazy Days.

Do you ever have a really lazy day? Like as in you don’t brush your hair or you don’t shower, you wear disgusting clothes and makeup is a no go? Because I do all the time. I feel disgusting too, I don’t enjoy these days. I feel sweaty and completely unmotivated to do anything physical or social. I’m more than sure that a lot more people do this than I think but I really just hate those days. Its not relaxing because you spend the whole day thinking about the work you should be doing or the plans that are not being stuck to and that’s no fun. Today I was meant to do another makeup look and do a big blog post which I’ve had planned since I started blogmas. That did not get done, hense another shitty post, again I apologise for that.

I seriously look hideous on these days like unrecognisably ugly, I won’t let anyone other that my family see me like this for their own good, sometimes I feel bad for my famiky for seeing me in that state. Honestly I’m a mess. Today I had also planned on doing a heap load of school work to get it over and done with but again, none of this was done. In fact I just watched a film instead woops. I mean on the plus side its 8 days till Christmas! That’s something to motivate you.

Just wanted to share this with you today, sorry its not too great but its all I got. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll remember to plan ahead haha. Till tomorrow,

Abby x

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Life, Rants, Tags, Uncategorized

A (sort of) Letter To My Future Self.

I wanted to take some time today to reflect on where I am, who I am and who I want to be later in life. I’ve had a really rough couple of years and although my life may seem fine and dandy I can assure you its not all fun and games. Life has not been doing me too well recently which sucks because after quite possibly the hardest point in my life in 2015, I thought my life was going up an uphill slope. But as we all know, when you reach the top there’s a bloody long way down and unless you know how to stay happy at the top, you’ll slide right back down. Currently in that situation. I’m not the same person on the inside as I am on the outside. For some reason I just can’t be myself unless I’m alone, I’m not comfortable with anyone not even myself if there’s a mirror or camera involved. I want to change this and I feel that I need to for my mental health. I know that mental health is all anyone talks about and I’m not claiming that there’s an issue with me, I just don’t want anything to develop that I can’t fix.

I’m doing this now so that when I’m 30 or 40 or 50 I can look back and think “thank god I sorted myself out back then”. I don’t want to be that age and still be looking in disgrace at myself the same way I do now. I’m not confident, I’m not healthy and I’m not happy. I’m stressed, I’m lonely and I’m an outsider. It’s not the things that I am that get to me, I can deal with sitting alone, I can deal with stress and I can deal with staying in watching TV instead of going out. That’s not too bad, it would just be nice to experience those things you know?

It’s what I’m not that bothers me. I don’t want to look the way I do, I don’t want to act the way I do, I don’t want to dress the way I do and I don’t want to think the way I do. Right now I have acne, I’m borderline overweight (which I’ve never actually been brave enough to admit), I have very few friends who I don’t often contact and the way I present myself in terms of clothes and makeup efforts is horrendous. I basically wear the same thing everyday and I’ve given up with makeup, I just don’t have the time.

2017 will be different. I tell myself this every year. But this year is different (I also say this every year). This year I’m going to sort this mess out (and again) and become the happy person that I see myself as in my head.

I’ll work on my fitness, seen as a flight of stairs kill me at the minute. I’ll drink loads of water and get the glow in my skin that I dream of. I’ll spend more time outside when the temperature increases of course, I don’t fancy hypothermia. I’ll paint my nails, I’ll take care of self, have a bath and use a face mask every once in a while. I’ll learn how to do cool things with my makeup, try new products and try to not look like  zombie in public. I might even cut my hair! When I’m more confident with my body I’ll start to be more adventurous with my clothes and stock up a new wardrobe for university. I’ll have my uni offers and move out of the family house. I’ll make new friends and go for nights out. I’ll make  a real effort with my studies and find support in people when I need it.

I’ll work on my social anxiety, maybe speak up more, talk to people who I don’t know or don’t know well. I’ll keep in touch with my old friends as if we’ve not spent time apart at all.

A message to my future self would be: You’ve let people walk all over you before, don’t let it happen again. Don’t let anyone dampen your dreams, work hard and you’ll see results. Its okay to lose motivation but you are in charge of your life, no one can make you do anything except for you. I hope you find endless love and happiness and feel confidence within yourself. I hope you are surrounded by positivity and encouragement and I hope that you find closure from this dark phase of your life and find the strength to let it go.

 

Sorry for the very personal post, today’s not been too great of a day and I needed to let out some feelings. This post may be edited or taken down in the future, I can’t help but feel that this is a little too personal and depressing which is not what I want my blog to be about. But now is the time for me to move on past this dark phase and be on the yellow brick road to an amazing life, positive posts to follow.

Till tomorrow,

Abby x

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Life, Rants, Uncategorized

Let’s Get Personal.

I did have planned a little stocking fillers post for today but it seems like every other blogger has already beat me round the bush to that one so I decided to do something a little different. If you’ve read me older posts you’ll know that I’m not really that afraid to put how I feel online, I’m willing to share personal experiences in order to help others. Well over the past couple of days my life has went spiraling downhill and I’ve not seen the light yet, its still occurring. I thought that by sharing these feelings online that maybe I’d feel better, or one of you guys would feel better. In the future I hope to come back to posts like this and think about how much better my life is in that moment.

So here’s what happened.

My best friend has decided that she hates me. No reasoning. No prompt. She just hates me. She was a toxic person, full of negativity. I did everything she asked and didn’t ask for anything in return. I listened to her rants every single day and followed her around anywhere she wanted to go. Well tough luck to her now, she has no one to do that for her. We were fine 3 days ago, best friends as usual. This weekend I heard nothing from her butt she was at work so I forgave that, and I was busy so I’d forgotten to even text her. Yesterday she didn’t turn up to sixth form so I sent her a message asking where she was and if she was okay. No reply. Followed by her blocking me on Twitter. Why? I don’t know. I decided to let her cool down a bit because she was probably stressed. The next day in the class that the friend, our friend and I have together she sat in her usual seat. Fair enough. But the thing is that its between me and our other friend (who she is treating the same way, me and her have no clue whats going on!). So she sat between us for the full hour and a half and didn’t say one word, just angrily slammed her stuff around and pushed past us when leaving her seat. We both very nearly asked what was happening but I honestly thought she’d hit me so I left her.

About an hour after we finished sixth form I sent her a message that she couldn’t ignore. I told her that I was confused as to why she’s mad and that I would appreciate an explanation because I don’t know whats happened. She ignored didn’t she! Then blocked me on Instagram and on Facebook. Why? IDK!!!

I still want an explanation, and I don’t plan on talking to her until me and our friend have an apology because in my opinion the silent treatment is childish. Especially when we don’t know what we’ve done and she won’t tell us. I guess I’ll have to update the matter later when things have settled down. Writing this post is probably a mistake but I’m still not even sure whats happened myself. I just know its messed me right up and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry right now. Probably cry because she’s really going to make me out to be a horrid person and I’m not, I really try my best to be a pleasant person. I’ve lost really close friends before and the last thing I need right now is to lose another one. Either I’m the worst person on the planet or people just love to mess me up and leave me lonely. Whichever reason it is, I don’t enjoy it one bit.

If any of you reading this have experienced this before please do get in touch with advise or help as to how to not let this bring me down please, I’m struggling a lot.

Thanks for reading and I’m sorry that this was depressing and not in the Christmas spirit at all! Till tomorrow,

Abby x

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Rants, Uncategorized

Being Different.

So here’s the thing with me… I’m not like everyone else.

I’m not an outcast, I have friends, I go to school, I have a social life and most importantly I’m happy (little stressed and overwhelmed but happy nevertheless).

I’m not stereotyping people my age by any means but as a 17 year old I feel like my interests don’t lie with my demographics. By this I mean I don’t get drunk, I don’t party through the night, I don’t get in to clubs underage and I don’t use drugs.

I feel like nowadays, this is how you make friends. Of course it is, it gives you a subject to talk about and laugh about but it kinda just makes me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine myself at house parties getting drunk with people from school and doing stuff that I probably shouldn’t be doing, ever. It’s just not my scene, not my thing. It also differentiates me from most of my family, they get drunk and are always trying to force it down my neck when ever there’s a family event and for some reason they just don’t understand that I don’t want it.

I’m not against drinking, or getting drunk for that matter but for me it’ll come in its own time. I’m not going to drink my life away I mean its not even legal for me to at this age anyways. Does this make me a loser because I’m following the law, am I a loser because I don’t want to do stuff that makes me uncomfortable? Apparently so.

I’ve never understood the fascination with alcohol to be honest, maybe that’ll change when I go to university but I can function well enough without it and I will be until I feel ready to change, even if it means making myself stand out at every family event for the next year. I just don’t like it when someone offers me a drink, I feel guilty, I don’t know if I want it or am allowed it, it stresses me out and makes me really anxious and so I look ridiculous standing then stressing and sweating in front of whoever it is trying to pressure me in to it.

I don’t have many friends that are in to that sort of life either. We aren’t addicted to the sesh and we don’t try to get into clubs underage, that doesn’t mean we’re prude or stuck up it just means its not our comfort zone  and we would rather not be there.  Who knows if that will change later in my life, this time next year I’ll have hopefully survived freshers week and will most likely be at clubs with my new friends but for now I’m just trying to enjoy my last year of my childhood (even though I couldn’t feel more like a granny right now).

I would love to go to festivals and clubs and have a great social life but that time is not right now and I’m a firm believer of waiting until you know the time is right, because you always know whats best for yourself. For now I’ll carry on daydreaming about my aspirations and getting excited for my turnaround in the coming year.

Don’t feel pressured into drinking or the use of drugs, trust me its better to sacrifice the losers who pressure you and sacrifice being popular or whatever the pressure is. If you aren’t comfortable with something then remove yourself from the situation no matter what the consequences are because no one deserves to be forced in to any situation that they don’t want to be in. You knows what’s best for yourself and if that makes you different well then… join the fucking club.

Hope you enjoyed this post, I’m currently planning more. As always I’d love feedback.

Till next time,

Abby x

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Rants, Uncategorized

Why you need to discuss hard feelings and how I learnt the hard way.

Monday 13th June 2016

Dear diary,

I completed my first day back at sixth form and I’m already sooo done with it but hey ho gotta carry on, 3 weeks and 3 days left.. but who’s counting?

So I was talking to my friend today who was telling me about an argument that she had with one of her closest friends and thankfully they apologized and made up , but this doesn’t always happen so smoothly. It reminded me of one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. Last year I fell out with my BEST friend (ex i guess now). Sounds childish but the ending of a friendship can be just as heartbreaking as the end of a relationship, if not worse, which this one certainly was.

So in 2013 I met my best friend. She was new to my school and some of my friends were showing her around, so of course she was introduced to me. Then completely by coincidence we ended up sitting next to each other in multiple different lessons and quickly bonded over our weirdness and love of Selena Gomez. Over the next 2 years we made an unbreakable bond which meant a hell of a lot to me because she was the first proper best friend I had ever had. Before her I was always the third wheel who got in the way of other peoples friendships and never had my own close friend. This shattered my confidence and I learned to hate school because for me, it was a place of loneliness. I like to think that it wasn’t my personality that prevented me from getting a best friend but rather that my social anxiety (which i keep banging on about i know im sorry) actually meant that I was so shy that I never had the confidence to start a conversation with anyone. When I met my ex BFF I decided that she was gonna be the one and I put all my effort into getting close to her, which I did quite successfully if I do say so my self. Our friendship was the single best thing that’s ever came into my life. Sound super lame but its as if she was like a gift from God himself to help me gain confidence and then leave when the job was completed.

BUT obviously this isn’t a happy story.

This girl was a piece of work. We were from completely different places, countries in fact. Her family was super rich and mine was not, she was soooo much more popular than I was and ALLLLLLLLL of the boys preferred her, yep. I was that friend. She also had tons of friends from outside of our school, most from her old school. One in particular she became really close with, but only after she left that school. She started hanging out with her more and that sucked because it kinda just rubbed in my face that she had other friends and mine were.. lets say limited? yeah, that’ll work. She just seemed perfect and I guess I was jealous? Well if I could be her I certainly would, she even has a stunning boyfriend now surprise surprise. All of these negative feelings bottled up inside of me because I couldn’t tell her face to face. I couldn’t tell her because I was so scared that the friendship would end, and that was the last thing I wanted. Then one day, you guessed it. My big mouth couldn’t hold it all in anymore.

I got angry because she wouldn’t come to see my favourite band with me. Stupid and spoilt I know but when all these feeling are inside you, the littlest thing can set it all of. Like a ticking time bomb that could explode in an instant. All of these feelings were spilling out in quite an angry tone and she was very quick to defend herself I’ll tell you that. She was so in denial that it annoyed me more and the argument was very heated very quickly. We argued probably all day and then didn’t talk for about a week. Then I caved in and realised that I had ruined everything. Me being terrified of loosing her, I typed a huge apology which took me ages now that I think about it and it contained all of the love that I had for her and how much she meant to me. I’ll tell you a secret, I wasn’t sorry at all. I didn’t want to loose my BFF and if lying was the way to get her back then lying is what I would do. ooops, let that one slip. She didn’t take it well, in fact she told me that she never wanted to talk to me again. So I cried, I cried a lot for a long time and we didn’t talk again.

Until… A few days before we started sixth form she apologised. We agreed to be civil and for the first few days of sixth form we went back to normal. But then, plot twist, guess who else shows up at our sixth form. Her new BFF (which was the one I talked about from her old school). Yep. you can imagine how pissed i was. I hated this girl. I couldn’t bear to be around her and so me and my ex bff went back to hating each other. 2 against 1, not fair at all if you ask me but I eventually got through it. I have a bomb ass group of friends who I love dearly and although the spot for my BFF is still standing (feel from to fill that) I feel better than ever.

Sometimes bottling up your hostile feelings towards someone who you love can turn them into your worst enemy, TALK TO THEM FOR GODS SAKE! Work it out before it gets to late, if I had talked about my feelings then I may still be besties with her, of course I’d be sharing *sarcastic YEY*  but oh well that’s over now. If there is someone negative in your life please remove them A.S.A.P and even though it may take some getting used to (I’m still getting used to it, everytime I see them together I die a bit inside, sad times) it’s worth it, you don’t need the negativity.

It feels good to talk about this and hopefully in the future I can write about a new friend who means so much to me. One day.

remove the negative. remove the negative. remove the negative.

ALWAYS TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, GOOD OR BAD.

Till next time,

Abby x

P.s Pwoah that was deep but it needed discussing. Expect more posts soon, I’ll try and make them good, maybe someone will read them hahahah

P.s.P.s I just read this through and it literally sounds like an extract from a young teens book, how cool would this be as a book?! Added to the bucket list which doesn’t actually exist. Also this post is quite long, congrats if you’re still reading. Anyways, as you were.

Rants, Uncategorized

An Update

12th June 2016

Dear diary,

Okay so you know how I mentioned how i’m bad at keeping a diary? Yeah, it’s been a while.

Since I last posted I have sat all of my AS exams (which required days of revision, or should I say it required a lot of pretending to revise), I shouldn’t make excuses I know but I have been very busy. As I only have 4 more weeks of sixth form left until September I thought that I’d get back on the blogging band wagon because it’s something that I actually enjoy doing. I’m also considering starting a YouTube channel over the summer as I love the idea of having all these memories that you can look back at and reminisce about, call me conventional I get it.

I’ve also been nagged about universities more than ever, research has been done, prospectuses have been ordered and decisions are being made. I know that I want to study a Media degree as it is what I enjoy and want to pursue as a career one day. I’m currently looking at the Media and Communication degree that Leeds uni has to off and I love it! I’m booking for an open day and I am desperate to study this course as it contains all the things I love to study in media. Only issue being the entry requirements, AAB, not saying it’s impossible but i’m gonna have to work my little ass off to get those grades because i’m not studying the easiest subjects. I also like the sound of media degrees at Sunderland and York St. John which are my backup plans as they are easier to get in to. I’m still so conflicted about uni but the research is good because i@m most likely going to attend uni.

On another note, I applied for another job yesterday which I actually would like to do. Over the Christmas holidays I worked in Cath Kidston and even though it was a nice work environment, I decided that retail was not for me, my social anxiety went through the roof and the constant interaction with strangers who were expecting me to know everything even though I had only worked there once a week for a few weeks was undoubtedly stressful. The job I applied for is room cleaning in a hotel, probs some peoples worst nightmare but I love to clean and there’s not too much interaction. Plus, you’re always busy which would defiantly make the shifts go quicker. I probably won’t even get the job but the idea of applying has made my mam lay off me a tad about getting a job hahaha.

It’s my birthday on Friday!! Friday 17th June 2016 will be the day I turn 17, alas! I’m getting a set of driving lessons which is terrifying but I am forcing myself to learn to drive because after getting the bus everywhere for 7 years you learn to despise every public transport in the world. I mean i’m sure its fine but the buses in the North East are filled with smelly people with loud kids.. no thanks mate, I’d rather not sit next to your wet dog who stinks of shit, will catch the next bus which will arrive in about 4 more hours. I’m actually excited for this birthday even though i’m not really celebrating it, season 4 of OITNB comes out plus the season 4 finale of Orphan Black, who could ask for more am i right??

One last thing, i’m back at sixth form TOMORROW. I’ve had 4 weeks off for study leave which has most defiantly been more of a leave than a study. woops. I managed to watch every season of Skins and a lot of youtube vids but I still turned up to my exams, which is more than some people can say haha. It should be okay its only 3 weeks and 4 days but whose counting right?  actually want to catch up with people and get back into routine although i’ll be over it be Tuesday. Also, my fave person Adrianna isn’t coming back to sixth form which is devastating because i love her so much and we’ve sat next to each other in media all year, the lols where good. I will defo be meeting up with her sometime because I refuse to accept that this is the end of our friendship.

Oh and I nearly forgot to mention, a few weeks ago on the 2nd of June I met CASPAR FRIKIN LEE! I love his videos and when I saw Gateshead on his book tour I had to go, I could write a post about the experience with photos if you’d like to see that, I may also do another one next week because on the 18th, me and Maddie (from my first every post) are meeting JC AND FRIKIN KIAN hahahah, happy birthday to me from me (and sorry to my bank account, i’m now broke) let me know if you’d like to see that, or just if anyone actually reads my posts at all lol.

I hope to post a lot more, maybe daily. M A Y B E. Don’t hold that to me. As i said before, even if no one reads this, they’re nice to look back on and reminisce about, will post more from now on. Sorry this was literally all over the place, I feel like an old granny having a catch up with her old granny friends who may or may not actually be reading hahahhaha.

Till next time,

Abby x

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Rants

A rant about why you should be body confident.

I had so many ideas about how to write this post but in the end I decided that a rant would be more suitable, because I HATE this topic with a passion.

Sunday 27th March 2016 (EASTER)

Dear Diary,

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty”- Dr. Steve Maraboli

Today I was perusing on Twitter when I saw a young girl, who I don’t know, tweet about how she was “too fat” and how she was depressed because of the way she looks. To me this just suggested that she didn’t look like a celebrity, because they’re who we all compare ourselves too, even if we don’t like to admit it. It did upset me quite a lot because I understood her and could relate to how she was feeling as I have been in that dark pit of a place labelled depression myself. It also got me thinking, because I have learnt a lot over my years as a media student about representations, stereotypes and the devil itself.. The media.

People nowadays, not necessarily just women, have a consistent dark cloud above their heads that  is filled with the image of how they see themselves and the image of how they ‘should’ look.We all know that the main goal in terms of how we look is to strive for perfection but do we actually know what perfection is?

The answer is no, because it does NOT exist.

Whether your goal is to look like Gigi Hadid, Blair Waldorf or even just the pretty girl who you stalk on instagram, there must be something about that person that you see as perfect, otherwise this would disrupt your path to perfection. So what is perfection?

Perfection in the way of our body image is the idea that we have gathered from various different forms of media to create this stereotype of the ideal person or ideal body. This stereotype has been repeated and repeated for years, which has made us as an audience accept it as the ‘norm’. This image has been drilled into our brain and has brainwashed us as a generation to think that this is how we should look if we want to be accepted by society. and i’m sorry but that’s just not true

The image itself probably originated from the ideology that women were just an ‘object’ for men and we were something sacred, something to look at rather independent people. This obviously has been proved wrong and although we cannot yet say that there is full gender equality, we’re certainly getting there.

The media has constructed this image through a little trick that they call ‘gatekeeping’. This is basically where they only show certain aspects of something rather than all of it. For example a model on a billboard. Yes they may look perfect on that billboard but that isn’t actually what they look like (completely). The image goes through a long photoshop session where acne, scars, cellulite, places with lumps and bumps or extra weight is removed, as if it was never there in the first place. So really you aren’t seeing the model, you’re seeing how to model has been constructed to look. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? This image is what we compare ourselves to, a construction.

As humans we naturally compare ourselves to this image, it’s completely normal to do this because after all we just want to be accepted and not judged by others but before you go to do it the next time, just realize that nobody actually looks like that. Not even the model in the picture. I realize that I’ve rambled.

Point is, people are comparing themselves to something that is impossible to achieve in order to conform to the ideas that the media has brainwashed us with. Know that people come in all different shapes and sizes and your body is perfect in its own way. Do not feel the need to change who you are or how you look in order to conform to these crazy ideas because as long as you are happy and healthy, nothing can stop you from being confident. Confidence is key to being successful so focus on the present and scrap those silly ideas that you view as perfection, put ’em in the bin.

Sorry this was so long but I did warn you that I was passionate about this topic. Till next time,

Abby x

body confidence quote