I wanted to take some time today to reflect on where I am, who I am and who I want to be later in life. I’ve had a really rough couple of years and although my life may seem fine and dandy I can assure you its not all fun and games. Life has not been doing me too well recently which sucks because after quite possibly the hardest point in my life in 2015, I thought my life was going up an uphill slope. But as we all know, when you reach the top there’s a bloody long way down and unless you know how to stay happy at the top, you’ll slide right back down. Currently in that situation. I’m not the same person on the inside as I am on the outside. For some reason I just can’t be myself unless I’m alone, I’m not comfortable with anyone not even myself if there’s a mirror or camera involved. I want to change this and I feel that I need to for my mental health. I know that mental health is all anyone talks about and I’m not claiming that there’s an issue with me, I just don’t want anything to develop that I can’t fix.
I’m doing this now so that when I’m 30 or 40 or 50 I can look back and think “thank god I sorted myself out back then”. I don’t want to be that age and still be looking in disgrace at myself the same way I do now. I’m not confident, I’m not healthy and I’m not happy. I’m stressed, I’m lonely and I’m an outsider. It’s not the things that I am that get to me, I can deal with sitting alone, I can deal with stress and I can deal with staying in watching TV instead of going out. That’s not too bad, it would just be nice to experience those things you know?
It’s what I’m not that bothers me. I don’t want to look the way I do, I don’t want to act the way I do, I don’t want to dress the way I do and I don’t want to think the way I do. Right now I have acne, I’m borderline overweight (which I’ve never actually been brave enough to admit), I have very few friends who I don’t often contact and the way I present myself in terms of clothes and makeup efforts is horrendous. I basically wear the same thing everyday and I’ve given up with makeup, I just don’t have the time.
2017 will be different. I tell myself this every year. But this year is different (I also say this every year). This year I’m going to sort this mess out (and again) and become the happy person that I see myself as in my head.
I’ll work on my fitness, seen as a flight of stairs kill me at the minute. I’ll drink loads of water and get the glow in my skin that I dream of. I’ll spend more time outside when the temperature increases of course, I don’t fancy hypothermia. I’ll paint my nails, I’ll take care of self, have a bath and use a face mask every once in a while. I’ll learn how to do cool things with my makeup, try new products and try to not look like zombie in public. I might even cut my hair! When I’m more confident with my body I’ll start to be more adventurous with my clothes and stock up a new wardrobe for university. I’ll have my uni offers and move out of the family house. I’ll make new friends and go for nights out. I’ll make a real effort with my studies and find support in people when I need it.
I’ll work on my social anxiety, maybe speak up more, talk to people who I don’t know or don’t know well. I’ll keep in touch with my old friends as if we’ve not spent time apart at all.
A message to my future self would be: You’ve let people walk all over you before, don’t let it happen again. Don’t let anyone dampen your dreams, work hard and you’ll see results. Its okay to lose motivation but you are in charge of your life, no one can make you do anything except for you. I hope you find endless love and happiness and feel confidence within yourself. I hope you are surrounded by positivity and encouragement and I hope that you find closure from this dark phase of your life and find the strength to let it go.
Sorry for the very personal post, today’s not been too great of a day and I needed to let out some feelings. This post may be edited or taken down in the future, I can’t help but feel that this is a little too personal and depressing which is not what I want my blog to be about. But now is the time for me to move on past this dark phase and be on the yellow brick road to an amazing life, positive posts to follow.
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