Why you need to discuss hard feelings and how I learnt the hard way.

Monday 13th June 2016

Dear diary,

I completed my first day back at sixth form and I’m already sooo done with it but hey ho gotta carry on, 3 weeks and 3 days left.. but who’s counting?

So I was talking to my friend today who was telling me about an argument that she had with one of her closest friends and thankfully they apologized and made up , but this doesn’t always happen so smoothly. It reminded me of one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. Last year I fell out with my BEST friend (ex i guess now). Sounds childish but the ending of a friendship can be just as heartbreaking as the end of a relationship, if not worse, which this one certainly was.

So in 2013 I met my best friend. She was new to my school and some of my friends were showing her around, so of course she was introduced to me. Then completely by coincidence we ended up sitting next to each other in multiple different lessons and quickly bonded over our weirdness and love of Selena Gomez. Over the next 2 years we made an unbreakable bond which meant a hell of a lot to me because she was the first proper best friend I had ever had. Before her I was always the third wheel who got in the way of other peoples friendships and never had my own close friend. This shattered my confidence and I learned to hate school because for me, it was a place of loneliness. I like to think that it wasn’t my personality that prevented me from getting a best friend but rather that my social anxiety (which i keep banging on about i know im sorry) actually meant that I was so shy that I never had the confidence to start a conversation with anyone. When I met my ex BFF I decided that she was gonna be the one and I put all my effort into getting close to her, which I did quite successfully if I do say so my self. Our friendship was the single best thing that’s ever came into my life. Sound super lame but its as if she was like a gift from God himself to help me gain confidence and then leave when the job was completed.

BUT obviously this isn’t a happy story.

This girl was a piece of work. We were from completely different places, countries in fact. Her family was super rich and mine was not, she was soooo much more popular than I was and ALLLLLLLLL of the boys preferred her, yep. I was that friend. She also had tons of friends from outside of our school, most from her old school. One in particular she became really close with, but only after she left that school. She started hanging out with her more and that sucked because it kinda just rubbed in my face that she had other friends and mine were.. lets say limited? yeah, that’ll work. She just seemed perfect and I guess I was jealous? Well if I could be her I certainly would, she even has a stunning boyfriend now surprise surprise. All of these negative feelings bottled up inside of me because I couldn’t tell her face to face. I couldn’t tell her because I was so scared that the friendship would end, and that was the last thing I wanted. Then one day, you guessed it. My big mouth couldn’t hold it all in anymore.

I got angry because she wouldn’t come to see my favourite band with me. Stupid and spoilt I know but when all these feeling are inside you, the littlest thing can set it all of. Like a ticking time bomb that could explode in an instant. All of these feelings were spilling out in quite an angry tone and she was very quick to defend herself I’ll tell you that. She was so in denial that it annoyed me more and the argument was very heated very quickly. We argued probably all day and then didn’t talk for about a week. Then I caved in and realised that I had ruined everything. Me being terrified of loosing her, I typed a huge apology which took me ages now that I think about it and it contained all of the love that I had for her and how much she meant to me. I’ll tell you a secret, I wasn’t sorry at all. I didn’t want to loose my BFF and if lying was the way to get her back then lying is what I would do. ooops, let that one slip. She didn’t take it well, in fact she told me that she never wanted to talk to me again. So I cried, I cried a lot for a long time and we didn’t talk again.

Until… A few days before we started sixth form she apologised. We agreed to be civil and for the first few days of sixth form we went back to normal. But then, plot twist, guess who else shows up at our sixth form. Her new BFF (which was the one I talked about from her old school). Yep. you can imagine how pissed i was. I hated this girl. I couldn’t bear to be around her and so me and my ex bff went back to hating each other. 2 against 1, not fair at all if you ask me but I eventually got through it. I have a bomb ass group of friends who I love dearly and although the spot for my BFF is still standing (feel from to fill that) I feel better than ever.

Sometimes bottling up your hostile feelings towards someone who you love can turn them into your worst enemy, TALK TO THEM FOR GODS SAKE! Work it out before it gets to late, if I had talked about my feelings then I may still be besties with her, of course I’d be sharing *sarcastic YEY*  but oh well that’s over now. If there is someone negative in your life please remove them A.S.A.P and even though it may take some getting used to (I’m still getting used to it, everytime I see them together I die a bit inside, sad times) it’s worth it, you don’t need the negativity.

It feels good to talk about this and hopefully in the future I can write about a new friend who means so much to me. One day.

remove the negative. remove the negative. remove the negative.

ALWAYS TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, GOOD OR BAD.

Till next time,

Abby x

P.s Pwoah that was deep but it needed discussing. Expect more posts soon, I’ll try and make them good, maybe someone will read them hahahah

P.s.P.s I just read this through and it literally sounds like an extract from a young teens book, how cool would this be as a book?! Added to the bucket list which doesn’t actually exist. Also this post is quite long, congrats if you’re still reading. Anyways, as you were.

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